Worrying
by Bon-Bon Emerson
Summary: Julian worries about Caitlin. A lot. Julian/Caitlin


The worst part about being in a relationship, Julian soon learns, is the worrying.

It's been so long since he's had a proper relationship, he's all but forgotten what being in one was like.

Apparently, at least for him, it's a constant source of worry.

He worries about her safety, especially since her offhanded, careless mention one night of the time that she was kidnapped not long after Barry became the Flash. Her nonchalance about the whole ordeal is unsettling, but maybe that's because she now also knows what it's like to be the kidnapper (although she wasn't really herself when that happened, Julian reminds himself).

He also worries that one day cuffs or a necklace won't be enough to restrain the demon inside her, the ice monster that never stops trying to claw its way out. He can't show this side of his worry. He sees the way that she pats at her chest throughout the day and night, before falling asleep and after waking up. All the while, she does her best to be discreet and hide her own worry about what to do if, for some reason, she can't feel the pendant of her necklace. A couple of times, he's even caught her eyes briefly widening and hand darting frantically around, only to relax again upon finding the pendant caught in some odd position on its chain. One of the other things he's learnt about relationships is that it's the parties' job to be strong for one another in times of need. He worries about Killer Frost returning, but he can see that Caitlin's worry, and therefore need for her partner's strength, is greater. So he quietly deals with his own worry about this particular possibility by himself.

But his greatest worry comes not from any criminal, metahuman or other evil entity. It's a worry that comes from within. The worry makes its presence known usually when he's alone in his bed in the wee hours of the morning, continuing to fight his last traces of guilt-riddled insomnia left from when he found out that he was Alchemy. His restless mind concocts toxic thoughts. He wonders when Caitlin, as smart as she is, will finally realise what an arrogant, silver spoon-fed snob he is, a snob who also just happens to be a mass murderer with the social skills of Barry and Iris's pet turtle. He stops just short of self-diagnosing with either sociopathy or psychopathy, not because he's regaining any sense but because as a scientist, he can't allow himself to jump to conclusions, especially when he doesn't fully know the difference between the two conditions.

The worry from within also manifests itself on the nights he's not alone. He finds that he sleeps better, a lot better actually, with her beside him. The orgasms also help. But he nearly always finds himself, upon waking up, whether it be during the night or the next morning, stretching his hand out to check if she's still there. She always is, and he quickly learns that she sleeps heavier and longer than he does. Even so, the few times that she is at least half-awake when he reaches out for her, all she does is pull herself closer to him. He still always checks. He simply can't help himself.

That is until one day when she responds to his tentative touch by grabbing his hand and flipping herself over to face him, brown eyes wide with concern. This time, he'd caught her wide awake.

She runs her thumb soothingly along his knuckles, in contrast to her stern-sounding voice: "I'm not going to leave you while you're sleeping, you know. You can trust me not to do that."

He surprises himself with what he says next, but is more surprised that he does genuinely mean it.

"I know I could trust you with my life. I just don't trust myself."

Then he chuckles, "This is all still quite new to me, and I really don't want to mess this up, if I'm being perfectly honest."

As he hugs her, she whispers in his ear, "I love you Julian Albert, and I trust you."

And then he doesn't think, he just speaks, one terse, emphasised sentence before he nearly kisses the life out of her.

"I love you too, Caitlin Snow."

And in that moment, underneath all of the worrying and the issues that are yet to be resolved, it becomes clear that Julian never really questions the fact that she truly is worth all the worrying.


End file.
